HIGHS and LOWS...
It's been almost 3months since my last entry. So much has happened that I can't even begin to put it into words. Some good, some bad. Actually, everything's been rather good until recently. I got my dream job, I'm relishing life as a student, I'm enjoying my FREEDOM, and meeting lots of new people...
I recently started using my Facebook account, and was very happy to receive a "fortune cookie" (after adding the fortune cookie application on my account) stating that my "life will be happy and peaceful". But if the last few days are anything to go by, this year is not likely to play out that way.
It seems that controversy always has a habit of following me around. I'm sure that if anyone knew my track record of attracting such problems, he would naturally conclude that I must be doing something wrong, or at least that it must be somewhat intentional on my part. After all, its often said that where there’s a spark, there’s a fire. But this isn’t necessarily true.
On the one hand, its natural and expected that when you have a group of friends, everyone is intrigued and excited by the topic of women (or men.. basically relationships) . People will be very quick to link members of the group to someone (of the opposite sex). It not only provides everyone with something to talk about, but the collective teasing effort can bring the rest of the group closer together. However, despite appreciating the utility of such tendencies, there are inevitable consequences. People get hurt.
Such talk, although admittedly very fun (if it doesn’t involve you) and seemingly harmless/non-malicious (it is assumed), never leads to nothing good. For example, it could sow the seed of “feelings” which weren’t meant to be there to begin with. These 2 may get together but soon the cracks will appear. Another possibility is that it ends any possibility of a friendship between the 2. I don’t think I need to elaborate further as I’m sure many of us have had similar experiences.
I, for one, really hate it when people try to get involved in my personal life. Although I may seem very “open” with my thoughts, my opinions or life experiences, I am actually a rather private person. If anyone were to stop and think about it, it will become apparent that while I may say a lot, I say nothing at all (nothing very personal at least). You may come away thinking you know me, but not truly know me at all. I may seem like I’m always ready to go out with people or meet people, but in reality, I love my time alone. As Alan Shore from Boston Legal once said, “I love isolation. I especially like it in relationships.” The reason for all of this is simple - self-preservation. I guess I have serious trust issues. Bitten too many times I suppose (I’ve lost much of my ability to care for others). Also its because I like my freedom (I've also been caged up for far too long).
Previously, my solution was to stay away from groups (also not to get too close - and not to invest my time and life in others). I usually have 1 or 2 good friends, or friends in completely different groups. I avoided SingSoc and church groups like the plague. However, I realised that this wasn’t a good way to live and therefore decided to start off differently this time (although this solution made perfect sense to me after all the hurt that I was put through). I thought to myself, I shouldn’t be so anti-social and therefore should try to be more “trusting”.
Furthermore, there was the promise brought by my knowing some people beforehand (I met through someone I trust). Initially all was well. In fact, it was great! Everyone seems nice and very willing to support each other (which is why I’ve always maintained that it would be ideal to work together in groups). Events over the last couple of weeks and weekend especially, have shaken this belief. Now only time will tell whether I have indeed made a mistake or not.
On the other hand, I admittedly enjoy getting to know people on a one-on-one basis – irrespective of whether it is a guy or girl (Of course, if it is a guy I will not likely run the risk of being accused of making advances). I therefore can appreciate why I have a tendency to get myself into such “situations”. This time though, I have tried to be careful and take certain precautions. I have also constantly been vocal about my contentment with my present relationship status; I have stated to everyone in no uncertain terms that I am not pursuing anyone at the moment; I have tried not to be the one to call girls. I do not see any possibility for me to have led anyone to believe otherwise (unless that person has decided to completely ignore all such clear statements. If such is the case then I believe that I am completely vindicated.) A balance must be and has been struck between being friendly while keeping a safe distance. This time, however, it seems that, despite these precautions, my clear expression of my intentions and actions have been misinterpreted and misunderstood – hence the unhappy and messy situation I now find myself in.
In the recent weeks, I have been accused of being unkind and mean. The latest accusation coming over the weekend is that I’m apparently going after a girl on my course or that I have the intention to do so. It baffles me how some people seem to know better what is actually going on in my mind much better than I do – that they know that I’m interested in someone before I do and presume to know of intimate thoughts going on in my head that I’m not even aware of. Worse still the anger and hostile towards me because it is believed that I’m attempting to deceive.
As I think about it, I wonder why I even owe anyone an explanation at all. Even if it were true that I was attempting to pursue this girl as they think I am, why would I have to explain myself to anyone? And if it were true that I was pursuing her, is it not within my right to keep it to myself? And yet still, if all of these suspicions were true, does anybody have a right to expect an explanation of me, or does it warrant such hostility? (especially since (as far as I'm aware) I'm not in a relationship with anyone at the moment and therefore am not accountable to anyone) It all seems utterly childish and ridiculous to me.
Perhaps, it is the case that I failed to select the right person/people to be friendly towards. In that case I shall learn from this experience and hopefully not make a similar mistake in the future. I guess that friendship and concern expressed may not always be received with the right perspective and/or returned in kind. So what am I to do next? One option is to turn my back to the whole situation and the individual involved. After all, as far as I'm concerned (I believe) I have not done anything to encourage the attention that I received; I hate being accused of things I have not done, having intentions that I do not; and most of all I cannot/will not tolerate people who are either possessive or behave as though I owe them something. Its just not on and its not going to fly with me.
It's been almost 3months since my last entry. So much has happened that I can't even begin to put it into words. Some good, some bad. Actually, everything's been rather good until recently. I got my dream job, I'm relishing life as a student, I'm enjoying my FREEDOM, and meeting lots of new people...
I recently started using my Facebook account, and was very happy to receive a "fortune cookie" (after adding the fortune cookie application on my account) stating that my "life will be happy and peaceful". But if the last few days are anything to go by, this year is not likely to play out that way.
It seems that controversy always has a habit of following me around. I'm sure that if anyone knew my track record of attracting such problems, he would naturally conclude that I must be doing something wrong, or at least that it must be somewhat intentional on my part. After all, its often said that where there’s a spark, there’s a fire. But this isn’t necessarily true.
On the one hand, its natural and expected that when you have a group of friends, everyone is intrigued and excited by the topic of women (or men.. basically relationships) . People will be very quick to link members of the group to someone (of the opposite sex). It not only provides everyone with something to talk about, but the collective teasing effort can bring the rest of the group closer together. However, despite appreciating the utility of such tendencies, there are inevitable consequences. People get hurt.
Such talk, although admittedly very fun (if it doesn’t involve you) and seemingly harmless/non-malicious (it is assumed), never leads to nothing good. For example, it could sow the seed of “feelings” which weren’t meant to be there to begin with. These 2 may get together but soon the cracks will appear. Another possibility is that it ends any possibility of a friendship between the 2. I don’t think I need to elaborate further as I’m sure many of us have had similar experiences.
I, for one, really hate it when people try to get involved in my personal life. Although I may seem very “open” with my thoughts, my opinions or life experiences, I am actually a rather private person. If anyone were to stop and think about it, it will become apparent that while I may say a lot, I say nothing at all (nothing very personal at least). You may come away thinking you know me, but not truly know me at all. I may seem like I’m always ready to go out with people or meet people, but in reality, I love my time alone. As Alan Shore from Boston Legal once said, “I love isolation. I especially like it in relationships.” The reason for all of this is simple - self-preservation. I guess I have serious trust issues. Bitten too many times I suppose (I’ve lost much of my ability to care for others). Also its because I like my freedom (I've also been caged up for far too long).
Previously, my solution was to stay away from groups (also not to get too close - and not to invest my time and life in others). I usually have 1 or 2 good friends, or friends in completely different groups. I avoided SingSoc and church groups like the plague. However, I realised that this wasn’t a good way to live and therefore decided to start off differently this time (although this solution made perfect sense to me after all the hurt that I was put through). I thought to myself, I shouldn’t be so anti-social and therefore should try to be more “trusting”.
Furthermore, there was the promise brought by my knowing some people beforehand (I met through someone I trust). Initially all was well. In fact, it was great! Everyone seems nice and very willing to support each other (which is why I’ve always maintained that it would be ideal to work together in groups). Events over the last couple of weeks and weekend especially, have shaken this belief. Now only time will tell whether I have indeed made a mistake or not.
On the other hand, I admittedly enjoy getting to know people on a one-on-one basis – irrespective of whether it is a guy or girl (Of course, if it is a guy I will not likely run the risk of being accused of making advances). I therefore can appreciate why I have a tendency to get myself into such “situations”. This time though, I have tried to be careful and take certain precautions. I have also constantly been vocal about my contentment with my present relationship status; I have stated to everyone in no uncertain terms that I am not pursuing anyone at the moment; I have tried not to be the one to call girls. I do not see any possibility for me to have led anyone to believe otherwise (unless that person has decided to completely ignore all such clear statements. If such is the case then I believe that I am completely vindicated.) A balance must be and has been struck between being friendly while keeping a safe distance. This time, however, it seems that, despite these precautions, my clear expression of my intentions and actions have been misinterpreted and misunderstood – hence the unhappy and messy situation I now find myself in.
In the recent weeks, I have been accused of being unkind and mean. The latest accusation coming over the weekend is that I’m apparently going after a girl on my course or that I have the intention to do so. It baffles me how some people seem to know better what is actually going on in my mind much better than I do – that they know that I’m interested in someone before I do and presume to know of intimate thoughts going on in my head that I’m not even aware of. Worse still the anger and hostile towards me because it is believed that I’m attempting to deceive.
As I think about it, I wonder why I even owe anyone an explanation at all. Even if it were true that I was attempting to pursue this girl as they think I am, why would I have to explain myself to anyone? And if it were true that I was pursuing her, is it not within my right to keep it to myself? And yet still, if all of these suspicions were true, does anybody have a right to expect an explanation of me, or does it warrant such hostility? (especially since (as far as I'm aware) I'm not in a relationship with anyone at the moment and therefore am not accountable to anyone) It all seems utterly childish and ridiculous to me.
Perhaps, it is the case that I failed to select the right person/people to be friendly towards. In that case I shall learn from this experience and hopefully not make a similar mistake in the future. I guess that friendship and concern expressed may not always be received with the right perspective and/or returned in kind. So what am I to do next? One option is to turn my back to the whole situation and the individual involved. After all, as far as I'm concerned (I believe) I have not done anything to encourage the attention that I received; I hate being accused of things I have not done, having intentions that I do not; and most of all I cannot/will not tolerate people who are either possessive or behave as though I owe them something. Its just not on and its not going to fly with me.
posted by Clem | 6:27 PM
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