Aloneness

I have been going through an amazing spell of growth in my relationship with God these past few months. I would never have imagined it even 6 months ago. I would say you must be crazy if you had suggested to me then that I would be involved in a new church plant and would be actively serving in the church. Nothing could have been further from my plans or even desires. I just wanted to live a quiet Christian life of church attendance and some private devotion.

But I guess God had a different plan. He brought a group of people together, some of whom never even interacted with one another (or even knew of each other’s existence) prior to stepping out to journey together. He brought together an excellent team of people with various expertise and experience. Its truly been a wide ride!

But cracks are starting to appear. Friction between teammates, strained relationships, conflict. For me, there is suddenly a growing feeling of isolation and distance. I was initially very encouraged and excited about the situation with the team because I thought, for the first time, God has supplied a dynamic and strong team – we all seemed to get along and shared a clear vision. For the first time, I didn’t have to go through ministry alone. I had support. Strong support.

But it seems that I am now going through it again. Last Sunday’s message was about getting and staying connected with other Christians within the church. The message was about how it is vital for each and every member to be and to stay connected with one another in order to function effectively and grow in the body. While I agree its an extremely important message and one that I needed to hear, I was overcome with a deep and overwhelming sense of aloneness.

I have struggled for the last few days. Being unable to get a restful sleep. Being deeply troubled in my spirit.

Perhaps I should explain why. Something rather unpleasant happened to me on Sunday morning when I visited my previous (parent) church. I got a little of a “dressing down” from the founding pastor. It wasn’t actually meant for me. Someone else was singled out. But it was nonetheless unpleasant. That is an understatement – it robbed me of all joy on Sunday and has caused me to be in a really bad place all week!

Particularly because I had seen and heard this person doing the very thing that was condemned, I had reported it to my pastor and adviced that something should be said to that person to stop this as it is neither respectful nor right for him to continue. Furthermore, this certainly had the potential to sow discord within the (parent) church and to sour relations between the two churches (which was already awkward to say the least). In addition, I had been labouring for the past few months (ever since we planted the new church) to bring the two churches together through ministry opportunities as well as to clarify any misconceptions that some might have on the purpose and direction of the new church plant (people often think that there must have been a significant dispute for a parting of ways). Finally, I had already heard that some in the (parent) church were of the view that I was “stealing sheep”. Nothing could be further from the truth!

I didn’t react immediately. Thankfully I was able to “keep my cool” and to respectfully address the issue. I clarified that I did not ever “steal sheep” nor spoke poorly of the (parent) church while visiting. I stated my interest in seeing both church succeed for the glory of God and that all my efforts so far (in the last few months) have been towards that end. I also mentioned that I had seen and heard that person say the things that he was accused of and that this was reported to our pastor and it was taken up with him previously. I however did offer my apologies on his behalf (to the extent that I was able to).

So it appeared not to affect me much. However, as the day went on, after it had time to sink in, it made me extremely upset. I knew how thin the balance was between the two churches and had gone to such lengths to be careful and respectful – why is it that nobody else understood or appreciated it? How is it that I became implicated in all this? Anger and self-pity crept in. I had no joy or peace during our 4pm service. In fact, it troubled me. By the time I had my meeting with the leadership of the church I was fuming!

The last few days have been a real low point for me. It doesn’t help that I’m swamped at work. With my secondment on 2 & 4, I’m greeting on 1-3-5 with a mountain of files to work on or check for the staff, which gets topped up as fast as I can complete them! In addition, the day is packed with back-to-back meetings with clients to take instructions. I hardly have any time to do actual legal work and that's been piling up too! So, for the past few days I don’t get to step out of the office at all from the moment I stepped in at 9 until I leave at the end of the day! Its been absolute madness!

As my parents were away in Cambodia since Saturday, I return home to an empty house. Not a good idea when one is in this state of tiredness coupled with the feeling of aloneness. So it has been a real struggle.

I know that the textbook answer is that I should find my sufficiency in God - that I can and should pour out my heart to God. Truly I have been trying. I have been praying, pouring my heart out to him. I have been fasting. I have been reading my bible. But that has offered very limited relief. I realised that what I really need is a person. Someone who I can see. Someone who can speak words of encouragement to me. Someone who's physical presence I can feel. I was reminded of Genesis 2 where God created woman because it He had concluded that it wasn't good for Adam to be alone. Of course the woman did fulfil some other needs for Adam (and this was not all to say i need a woman in my life) but the point was that it wasn't good for him to be alone. He needed support. Someone who he could see. Someone who could speak words of encouragement to him (not necessarily nag). Someone who's physical presence he could feel. Even a strong Christian like John the Baptist and Paul were brought almost to the point of depression when they felt isolated and alone.

Today, as I drove to work, I was listening to a podcast by Rick Warren on Loneliness in ministry.

He talked about how it is so common for those in ministry to become isolated. That's why there is so much depression, divorce and sometimes moral failure, among those in ministry. In the old days they used to be taught in seminary to that they had to preserve the "mystique" of the pastor. Others have adviced or "warned" that as a minister they shouldn't have good friends - lest they have "favourites" within their congregation. Ministry is a lonely place.

I've always, still, feel that way. I find that I always have to keep up a strong, brave front around people. Whether its at home, at work or in church. I don't have anyone that I can be vulnerable with. Anyone who I can share my struggles with. I did a little at the beginning but the relationship changes. Especially when the church grows and there's so much more to be done now.
Rick Warren identifies of the source of the problem of loneliness among those in ministry is two-fold: (1) pride; and (2) an inability to receive ministry - they just don't know how.

Of course the solution that Rick Warren gave was not new. We need people. We need people who we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with. To share out fears and struggles with. We need to seek them out. He says we need to have mentors, models and friends. Mentors are those ahead of us on the journey (maybe even slightly ahead of us). Models are those who have gone before (the key is that they're dead - this is important because we need to see the end). Friends or peers are those who are going through the same things as we are.

Of course at the end of all this I still don't know whether I will be able to find those people that I need in my life. But it did help give me some perspective. I know that I'm certainly not alone in this. I also know that I must seek out such people for my own well being.

- Posted using my iPhone